10 Ideas to help you be a great parent
For Valentine’s Day, let’s think about parental love too and why it’s so important. Are you a good parent? Do you love your children the way you should?
The way our parents love us, raise us and treat us defines our whole lives. I can’t even begin to tell you how many nightmare childhood stories I’ve heard my whole life. It’s amazing to me that one of the few things humans share besides the obvious biological stuff, is that we were all children. We all understand what that felt like to be a child. But yet, we are the worse to children in and outside our houses.
I was lucky to be raised by parents who were not perfect but were pretty balanced, supportive and showed their love every day through their actions. But not everyone is lucky enough to win the parent lottery, in fact most of you have had the opposite: trying to figure out how to love your kids when you had such bad examples from the people who raised you. So, see below some ideas on how you can possibly raise good citizens in spite of yourself. Memorize it. Put it on the fridge, stick it in your purse or wallet, carry it in your car. Whatever. I just hope you’ll take even some of these to heart.
1. Your children are your legacy. They reflect you for years and years to come. So, whether they are a robber or a radiologist, says a lot about who you were as a parent. Not always, of course. Some of the most talented, accomplished people in the world had destructive, chaotic childhoods and they became successful despite their parents. But if you can contribute to a well-rounded, educated, well-mannered, kind citizen, why not make that your mission.? Your children are your legacy.
2. Stop raising your boys differently than your girls. I see it all the time, parents — mothers and fathers, but especially fathers — treating their boys so differently than their girls. Harsh, rough and cold with boys, they rain affection and kisses and sweetness on their girls. Well, your little boys need some of that too. It’s funny how parents worry about who their princesses will end up with, but they don’t see that in their own homes how skewed their parenting is with their boys. I guess it’s okay for someone else’s princess to date your damaged sons.
3. Stop telling your kids they shouldn’t lie when you do it from the time they’re born. The majority of parents are the biggest hypocrites on the planet. From one side of your mouth you tell your kids to never lie to mommy and daddy and from the other side, practically from the time they’re born, you’re lying to them about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy and lots of other bullshit. And no, it’s not any different than your kid lying about taking like candy from the drawer. Stop it. You’re a liar so stop telling your kids not to lie unless you are going to stop too.
4. Stop kissing your kids on the lips. It’s non-consensual touching. I get it. Some of you love your kids a lot and you want to be as physically close to them as possible but how is kissing your children on the lips any different than uncle Ted grabbing them and touching them inappropriately. And yes, it’s the same. Because your little children don’t have a say in how you touch them. They can’t put up a fight. They can’t say no. They can’t get away. They are helpless. You are imposing yourself of them. Why is lip kissing necessary and does it make my child uncomfortable? Ask yourself that.
5. Stop being so self-absorbed and selfish. You choose (although there are still a lot of “accidents,” which I can’t even believe still happens in 2020. But I digress) to carry a baby for 9 months and when they are here, you still can’t get out of your own way, out of your own head. It’s all about you. All the time. But I guess if as a parent, you’ve had bad parents then many of you just don’t know better. But you know what, you do. How many times are you putting your own needs before your child? Stop it.
6. Stop with the over-discipline and the abuse. First of all, this child is a new person to the world. They don’t know anything. Why are you yelling instead of explaining? Why are you punishing — including beatings, slapping and punching — instead of taking a breath, a step back. This is a human being, not your property, an object for you to treat any way — including sexual abuse — you want to because you can. You have the power. You put shelter over their heads, you feed them, you clothe them… so screw them, they have to deal with what you dole out? Because what can a kid do, go find a job? So, you talk to them any old way, treat them badly, physically and/or sexually and verbally abusing them, humiliating them beyond what any human deserves. But they are human. See that first, before you see them as your child.
7. Stop bringing people home who hurt your children. Read Idea 5 again. It’s the same thing; putting yourself before your children. How many new boyfriends and husbands, girlfriends and wives have been responsible for hurting their partner’s child/children and you allow it, turning the other way, ignoring it or choosing not to believe what your kid tells you is going on behind your back because it is inconvenient for you. I know so many of you when you’re caught up in lust and “love,” you don’t want to let that go, but yes, you can get a new partner. Your children are your forever.
8. Stop being a denier. Don’t be one of those parents who denies they did their kid wrong when confronted by whatever the dirty deed was. Whether it’s to look to the outside world that you were a perfect parent, or you just don’t want a confrontation of any kind, when a parent denies what they did, it makes the child feel crazy and invisible. You did it, so own it and apologize because it may have been just another forgettable Tuesday to you, but to your child — whatever you did wrong — shook their world and it’s time to confront it so they can move on.
9. You don’t own your children forever. These people. These parents who can never let go; who hover and suffocate and guilt-trip their kids, insisting on being deeply involved in their children’s lives until the end of eternity — or the parent dies. That’s always about the parent and their psychology. Wanting to be needed forever, needing the attention, the control. You won’t let go and let them be. What’s the line between being loving and supporting them and a complete take-over of their lives insisting they must do this, that or whatever well into their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. Why can’t you let go? What’s going on with you? Have children, raise them well and let them go. That’s it.
10. It’s worth saying one more time: Your children are your legacy. They are a reflection of you for years and years to come. If you can contribute to a well-rounded, educated, well-mannered, kind citizen is this world, why not make that your mission.? Your children are your legacy.
Andrea Thompson is a freelance writer with articles in Men’s Journal, Marie Claire, Budget Travel, Destination Luxury and other print and digital pubs. She’s also a screenwriter whose movie, It’s My Baby, was optioned and is in development. www.shopdraya.com http://andreamariethompson.com
